Back on the wagon, a kick in the butt and saying no

Remember the chowder I made yesterday? It was even better today.

1. Back on the wagon. I’m trying again. I stopped using the Best Self Journal around the time my mother passed away. Today I started again, using it to stay on track with various things. I can but try.

2. Monica and Richard are my favourite FRIENDS couple.

3. I’ve lost a pound. A journey of a thousand steps and all of that.

4. A kick in the butt. I got distracted and realised I missed my yoga class. I was about to decide not to go when my husband told me I was being a moron. Granted, it wasn’t the most charming thing he’s every said to me, but it did the job. I went even though I was 15 minutes late. 60 minutes of yoga are better than no Yoga.

5. Saying no. I’m swamped after being away so when someone I like very much asked me to do something they should do themselves, because they can’t be bothered, I said no. It seems such a minor thing but it really does help to continue liking them and to not feel like a pushover.

A trek, a lazy afternoon and a donkey ride

Oh so many things to be grateful for today but I’m sad so it’s even more needed and even more difficult.

1. A trek with completely inappropriate shoes to the active vulcano in the middle of Santorini caldera. We also swam in the hot springs and had lunch in Thirasia.

2. My blood pressure playing ball mostly, despite the heat and the humidity.

3. A lazy afternoon around the pool after a day traipsing around to finish Marian Keyes’ books which is mostly good even though it falls into two of my most hated tropes: the overburdened martyr woman and the woman with low body-confidence but everyone finds her attractive and is in love with her.

4. Two hours’ respite from the untouchable problems going on in my life. Untouchable because they seem to be unidentifiable but they are there. I know they are.

5. A donkey ride up to the village of Oia. A bit scary but lots of fun.

Bravissimo, holiday reads and book group friends

1. Bravissimo. What a revelation! I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for. I found a bikini and a one piece swimsuit that are so cute and so comfortable.

2. Book group friends who agree to catsit because you’re so stressed out about going on holiday and leaving the cat. We discussed The Summer Book by Tove Jansson and the general reaction was perplexity: it should work. Good characters, splendid setting, evocative writing and yet it doesn’t. In the end there are lovely moments but it’s not exactly memorable. Very odd!

3. A fox that sounds like a cat trying to spit out a furball

4. Finding your inner warrior queen after months of feeling like a sad lobster.

5. Deciding what to take to read on holiday. It’s one of the most delicious problems to have. Here’s what I’m taking with me in addition to what’s already on my Kindle. I’ll never have enough time to read all the books I want to read.

 

Matthew McConaughey, chocolate and a podcast appearance.

Am I grateful for Matthew McConaughey? Yes. I. Am.

1. The Wedding Planner. A good romantic comedy but nothing to write home about except Matthew McConaughey’s cuteness and Jennifer Lopez’s comedy timing. What I liked about this classic wrong man/wrong woman comedy is the way it’s resolved: they are both engaged to be married to other people and in the end their respective partners find in their heart the compassion to let them go. It’s a nice way of doing it even though the main characters’ agency is compromised.

2. I was in a podcast today talking about narrative structure in romantic comedies. I could have spoken for ever. The format is perfect for me and I would absolutely love to start a podcast of my own. However, would I actually have the guts to do it. Sometimes I wonder whether I never dedicate myself wholeheartedly to anything because that way I can kid myself that I didn’t succeed because I wasn’t bothered and if I had wanted, but I didn’t, I would have been an enormous success. I think I’m actually life-paralysing scared.

3. A new haircut, which is the same haircut but fresher. I adore my hairdresser even though every other word is a ‘like’ and I’m not sure I can condone that since she’s in her forties. She cuts hair like a goddess though.

4. White chocolate and strawberries chocolate. I probably shouldn’t have had that; the acupuncturist has told me I have to cut down on all my favourite things: tomatoes, dairy, vinegar, onions, chilli, garlic etc. Boring! But I’m a rebel so I had chocolate today. Actually I’m being mostly well-behaved

5. The Bestseller Code by Matthew Jockers and Jodie Archer. These two have developed an algorithm to identify the elements that make a bestsellers novel. I’m about twenty per cent of the way in and I’m curious to see where it’s going. The reviews on Amazon aren’t great but I’m keen to make my own mind up. I’ll report back.

Miss Congeniality, rain and a food exfoliator

1. Miss Congeniality. I can’t believe I had never seen it before. Sandra Bullock is so cute carrying the whole thing and making it twice as better as it would have been with any almost other actress. Her character is scripted to have a few nuanced and a few surprises. My favourite bit is when she teases Eric by the pool about how much he likes her.

2. Rain, glorious rain. I love a good thunderstorm. This afternoon the street looked like a Bollywood movie. The smell of it is insane. The sound was defeaning, like cymbals in a big orchestra. The ligthening was a technicolour show. Our cat doesn’t mind too much although she hates the small electric fan. Only god knows what goes on in her head.

3. 4,000 words. I’ve given myself a target of 300 words per day. It’s less daunting that way and easier to stick to. I’m meandering and writing a lot of stuff I’ll need to cut but I feel good about it. I feel for once I am where I’m supposed to be and doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Once I have something solid and concrete to work with, I know it’ll be easier to tinker with.

4. Sleep. I’m actually grateful for sleep. For what it does to my brain if not necessarily for what my brain does to me while I sleep. I work better in the morning even though sometimes I wake up with dark thoughts. I’m trying to quit.

5. Foot exfoliator. I know this is silly but exfoliating my feet gives me great joy for two reasons: one is that it makes me feel I’m taking care of myself. In a small way I’m doing something kind for myself, and the other is that I don’t think I have pretty feet (it’s not a big deal like a complex or anything) and maybe this way they look a bit more feminine, maybe?

Stomach, mind and heart.

Reset and restart. Soothe is the word of today. Do you know how to calm yourself in times of anxiety or do you constantly require other people to do that for you?

1. Peppermint tea to settle the stomach.

2. An intelligent book about communication within a marriage, to soothe the mind. 

3. An unintentionally hot hatha yoga class to further soothe the mind. 

4. Scrambled eggs to comfort the stomach

5. A chin scratch of a poodle pup to soothe the heart. 

At the end of the day, life is made of little moments. If only I could remember that when I’m tearing my hair out. But it wasn’t all bad and I should try and focus on the things I did rather than the things I didn’t do. Do you do that too? Are you one of those people who’s constantly beating him or herself up about all the things they didn’t do? I’m getting better however, at putting myself in the shoes of my future self. And that’s not nothing. It also means that I’m practising more regularly and more importantly I write more regularly.

Have a good night, everyone.

Five things about our marriage

Once in a while you go through a rough patch. Years from now, even just months we’ll wonder what all the fuss was about and yet, while we’re in it it feels like the most difficult, the highest mountain in the world and no way, we’ll be able to overcome. And yet, what choice do we have? One step at the time. One foot in front of the other.

1. We’re alive and healthy. Our problems are not unimportant but we have a certain amount of control over them. Tragedy hasn’t struck.

2. We have a sense of humour and can still laugh at ourselves and at our situation. Where all else fails we can get through to each other with a joke, even if it feels like gallows humour. It’s a way of saying: ‘Hey, it’s still me. And it’s still you. It’s still us.’

3. It’s in our power to move through this using our brain and our deep affection for each other. We can do this. We. Can. Do. This. It’s hard but we can do this.

4. We love each other and it’s not nothing. It’s not everything but it’s not nothing.

5. We know why we got together in the first place. I know, I remember, and I also know it’s very very unlikely there’s anybody else as perfect for me as he is. I remember my vows and what I said in my wedding speech. I know he still loves me even when I don’t love myself.

Dissidents, a young Harrison Ford and a yoga retreat

1. The freedom to pursue my dreams. Sometimes living in the West we take for granted some of the things we’re able to say and do regardless of who we are, what we look like and the family in which we were born. Things are not perfect; some things are less straightforward for some than they are for others but there are legal barriers or systemic obstacles. Things are not perfect but they could be a hell of a lot worse. And it’s absurd to me that we never stop for a moment to appreciate that our life, our happiness, our success, all depends on us, on our abilities to make the most of the opportunities we were given. It’s a good thing. We can make of our life what we want. Not everyone is that lucky.

2. Dissidents. People who have the courage to speak up and have a different opinion. Even if it’s an opinion I disagree with. Because it takes a great deal of bravery to stand for what we believe in against a mob of friends, family and/or strange ready to withdraw their approval if you don’t fall in line. Do you have the courage of your unpopular opinions or do you censor yourself? Courage comes in various sizes, shapes and forms.

3. Pictures of a young Harrison Ford (and the fact that somebody said he looked like Francesco Totti!). You’re welcome! And like somebody said, I love the fact that Carrie Fisher refused to leave this world without telling the whole world that she had sex with Harrison Ford.

4. My legs. They are not long, they are not thin and there’s obvious cellulite. But there are strong enough to take me though 75 minutes of Vinyasa practice at 9.30 in the morning. I could hardly ask for more.

5. A yoga retreat. News has just reached me that my beloved yoga teacher has a retreat next summer in a crazy beautiful place in Greece, which means I have long enough to save. I’m so jealous of myself right now.

Serious post: my 5 ways of dealing with negative self-talk

Slightly different topic today. Even though at the end of the day it’s all part of the same game.

I woke up this morning with a feeling that negative self-talk had sneaked in by the back door during the night. There was a negative mantra going through my head fuelling my sense of inadequacy in my professional life and transcending quickly into self disgust. Negative self-talk is one of the most corrosive things a human can do to his- or herself. Much of my energy during the day is spent trying to counteract that. To be honest, the guy who will  discover a method to switch that off one way or another cannot pop up soon enough for me. In the meantime I’ll share my 5 ways of coping.

1. I recognise it and acknowledge it. I don’t want to take the verbal abuse lying down but I also try to not to shut it down like a bad cliche in a third rate movie. ‘I don’t want to listen to it.’ In a bizarre way, negative self-talk is my brain trying to protect mefrom harm. I want to find out what it’s trying to protect me from. Ask and you shall be answered. My husband suggests trying arguing rationally with it. I haven’t quite managed that yet but I do try.

2. I meditate. I take a few minutes to clear my mind. It doesn’t have to be long. Even just a couple of minutes to reset myself, breathing and directing my mind to positive thoughts seems to help. If you don’t feel like medidate or you think it’s not for you, making a simple list of things you’re grateful for helps. They can be simple or superficial or ‘normal’. They don’t have to profound or special.

3. I give myself permission to do an activity I know I enjoy. It could be anything. Here’s a non-exhaustive list of things I know will cheer me up: watching a movie, working on my book, practising Chinese (I know that’s weird. Don’t ask), cooking, petting my cat even if she doesn’t love me as much as I love her, cleaning my room literally and metaphorically.

4. I try to stay away from social media. When I feel down, Instagram, Twitter & Co. will only bring me down further. We’re all ducks under the surface and although I know that on a rational level, very often I don’t know it in my heart. But it’s true: we compare our behind the scenes self to other people’s stage personas. We all do it and it takes a lot of effort to remember so when you’re feeling low, do yourself a favour and stay away from social media and talk to real people.

5. Never underestimate the power of music. I have a playlist called Feel Good and it has got all my favourite tunes from Let it Go to Happy to Get Lucky to It’s My Life. I put it on and it will immediately lift me. Create your own happy playlist and reach out in moments of need

Self-belief, writing and dark chocolate

I knew it. It was a matter of believing it could happen. Penalty shoot out have always been Italy’s as well as England’s nightmares. They truly are a lottery. But today? Today luck changed.

1. I adore how happy the husband is about England winning a penalty shoot-out. Those horrid Colombian players didn’t deserve to win. But look at the happy faces of the England players. Just like that, everyone is like a child again. If you ignore the few of making a point of telling everyone how they don’t care about the World Cup.

2.Self-belief. It looks like world-class athletes are not different from the rest of us after all. They are only human and like all other humans they need to believe in order to achieve. When you believe something can happen, rather than fearing that something you don’t want to happen will happen, that’s when magic happens.

3. I’m grateful I don’t have to set the alarm but this morning I woke up early and worked on my writing which feels like such a massive blessing. I’m learning about writing, but I’m also learning about myself, about the process. I’m thinking of taking an online course in scriptwriting maybe? Or find a writing group. Maybe later. Right now I feel I need to keep it a secret. But when the time comes I know London will have so much to offer.

4. Dark chocolate. I’m not a massive fan and it’s certainly an acquired taste, but it’s handy to have when you want something sweet without having to a massive dessert or an entire chocolate bar.

5. Having said that I’m not against a few spoonful of Hagen Daz Peanut Butter Crunch