New Year

Goodbye and welcome.

Goodbye to a shitty 2017 that almost defeated me and Welcome to you and to a new year. This blog is me fighting back. So every day I’ll post or I will try to post five things I’m grateful for, really trying to find gratitude in my heart in spite of the fear and the disgust and the anger, in spite of the uncertainty in my life, of the many questions I still don’t have answers to.

In 2018 I will practise making gratitude a habit. It could be nothing more than a fancy middle life crisis in the age of social media but if that’s the case I guess there are worse ways of dealing with it.

I’m 38. I’m married. I live in London. I don’t have children. I work in Publishing. I’m overweight. It will be interesting to see how many elements of this identity will have stayed the same and how many will have changed by the time 2018 comes to an end.

This is what I’m grateful for today:

1) 2017 is almost over. My narcissistic mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer this year and her Alzheimer’s took a nosedive. I’ve started questioning whether the career I’m in is really what I want to do with my life and what I was put on this planet to do.

2) My family, namely my husband and my cat (who arrived in September so I guess it’s a point in favour of 2017).

3) My friends who are closer to me than the my original family and kept my spirit up during the Christmas break.

4) Books. I’ve failed my challenge for 2017 to read 100 books in a year and only got to 97 but I can try again next year.

5) My mother, who continues to make my life an abject misery and had come to spend the holidays with us, is leaving tomorrow. The anger and resentment I feel towards her really scare me.

Here’s book no.97